Science to Discover Why Ozzy Osbourne is Still Alive

Posted By elissa on Jun 18, 2010 | 3 comments

Ok, this isn’t exactly about weight/fat loss or exercise per se, but every so often, some oddity will end up on my radar screen… and I thought this bit of news about Ozzy Osbourne was très amusant.

Genetics to solve why Ozzy Osbourne is still alive

Jack Grimston
 
THE mystery of why Ozzy Osbourne is still alive after decades of drug and alcohol abuse may finally be solved.

The 61-year-old former Black Sabbath lead singer — who this week begins his health advice column in The Sunday Times Magazine — is to become one of only a few people in the world to have his full genome sequenced.
 
…Before he reformed, Osbourne survived decades of substance abuse and bit the head off a bat while intoxicated on stage — he had to have rabies jabs afterwards. He has a genetic disorder similar to Parkinson’s disease, has been committed to a mental institution and broke his neck in a quad bike accident after which he was placed in a chemically induced coma.

As off-the-wall as this is, it was the reference to him writing a “health advice column” that caught my eye – since when is Ozzy Osbourne qualified to give health advice?  So I hadda check it out (registration required).

So, as you can imagine, when The Sunday Times Magazine asked me to be its new health-advice columnist — Dr Ozzy, as I’ll be known from now on — I thought they were taking the piss, to be honest.

But then I thought about it for a while, and it makes perfect sense: I’ve seen literally thousands of doctors over my lifetime, and spent well over £1m on them, to the point where I sometimes think I know more about being a doctor than doctors do.

And it’s not just because of the lifestyle I’ve pursued. I also happen to be the world’s worst hypochondriac. I’ll catch a disease off the telly, me. Being ill is like a hobby. I’ve even started to diagnose my own diseases, thanks to Google (or I should say thanks to my assistant Tony, because I’m not exactly Steve Jobs when it comes to computers).

…I suppose when people hear stories like that, they might think I’m too much of a bad example to give advice. I wouldn’t argue with them — and I’d hate for anyone to think: “Oh, if Ozzy survived all that outrageous behaviour, so can I.” But d’you know what? If people can learn from my stupid mistakes without having to repeat any of them; or if they can take some comfort from the crazy things my family has been through over the years; or if just hearing me talk about colonoscopies makes them less embarrassed about getting tested for colon cancer, that’s more than enough for me. Dr Ozzy’s job will be done. One last thing: being a hypochondriac, I’ll never tell someone to just stop worrying and/or come back later if their symptoms get worse. In Dr Ozzy’s surgery, everything will get taken seriously.

LOL – I guess I have to give the devil his due – even though it’s obviously a gimmick to boost readership – he actually sounds kinda sensible (if that’s the right word to use… maybe “self-aware” would be better?).  I’m not convinced that being a hypochondriac is a good qualification, but I guess it’s good to see that – if nothing else – Ozzy’s brain hasn’t gone to alt-med mush.  And I expect the Times will vet his column, so he may actually do ok.  If nothing else, he can’t do any worse than a lot of other internet “practitioners.”